Mauritius Hash Trash 616

04-03-2012 The Ruins (& ghosts) of Pamplemousses Forest Girish BYO #616

VENUE: PAMPLEMOUSSES FOREST

HARES: Girish

HASH 616 – A WALK IN THE BLACK FOREST

I beg indulgence by commencing this edition by pressing the fast forward button to a casual conversation the Scribe had with the omnipotent Cybermaster not long after the ceremonies of the post Hash circle were complete. The latter the audacious step of criticising your author regarding the length & content of the Hash Trash. The bandicoot-like underground burrowing mammal complained bitterly that he had to perform a most complex one hour cut/paste routine to manipulate the report on to the web page but, of course, if you can only operate the keyboard with the index finger (or any other worthless Chipolata shaped member for that matter) any web- based activity is likely to become a cantilever bridge too far. To the increasing disbelief & protestations of the increasingly unappreciated Scribe, the Cyberfreak then launched into a diatribe regarding the content of the e-mag openly declaring that articles contained neither the identity of the location of the Hash or the identity of the Hare; in respect of this claim (and you need only to flick through the back issues to disprove it), however, the Scribe suspects that the wibbly-wobbly warbling wombling webfooted webwidget is either afflicted with a Morgagnian cataract, is undergoing the initial stages of Alzheimers disease or ought to cast helplessly adrift into the blogosphere without harness.
So for the benefit of the nowhere near sighted……..a coruscating band of effulgent Hashers convened at the On On situated at the tranquil backwaters of PAMPLEMOUSSES FOREST where we were apparently destined to seek out the mysterious ghosts of bygone eras which linger there in patent patient eternity. However, the only non-human attendees appeared to be an uninvited host of irritating mosquitos which seemed to be in their element feasting on the Scribe’s B Rhesus negative for their impromptu breakfast refreshment. It was little comfort that a distant voice was heard offering the comforting information that the woodland species did not carry bacterial infection. In actual fact, there was another ghoulish presence in the form of a shorn Ryan Leeds who foolishly shaved his head after Liverpool’s defeat to Arsenal and in the process looking like the lead singer of underground thrash metallists System Of A Down, compete with innocuous paintbrush goatee.
OUR GUEST HARE was none other than our beloved prehensile nihilist, GIRISH RAJ, a virtual arboreal inhabitant & a more than virtual proven exponent of the art of settling trails in woodland territory. And he amply displayed his artistic competence by setting a tortuous trail that threaded itself between the trees, through which the dappled sunshine made it difficult to identify the flour markings at undisclosed strategic intervals. The sunshowers may have explained the Cybermaster’s fall from grace as he (probably) tripped over his own tongue & landed on the ground with an unechoing thud as if a oversized XXXXL ripe mango had dropped from a nearby tree (of course the fruit is sweeter & more appealing to touch). The valiant Lord Grihault came to his rescue by helping the helpless sexagenarian to his feet although this act of gallantry was rewarded with a terse zoological grunt rather than with token words of gratitude. The same fate befell Marie Andre who returned home with random etches of mud on her clothes which shared the essential features of an abstract painting. At one point, a group of eager front runners managed to get hopelessly lost en route when they followed a trail of flour that eventually led to a dead end & indeed may have been the walkers trail that led in the opposite direction. This hapless group of wanderers circled the last blob of flour like a murder of crows looking for its prey, searching in vain for the trail. They finally abandoned their fruitless quest when they heard the shrill & welcome call of On-On in the distance that put them out of their infernal misery.
The circle resumed its normal order from the farce of last time with the GM rightfully giving a celebratory down down to Girish for an excellent trail. Alas for the first time in along time there were no first timers on parade which almost makes it an odds on bet (barring a miracle of mythical proportions) that there will be no second timers next time.
The green plastic portable urinal was mercifully put on ice this week as a solitary second timer managed to remember Hash Sunday. And that was Ian from South Africa & linguist expert with the British Council.
The Religious & Sex Advisor, looking as ecumenically alluring as ever in his unconventional robes topped off with his trusted straw Panama, narrated a captivating tale of an exceedingly mature Hash couple (he was sworn to silence regarding their identity for fear of reprisal) who had reached Plaisance airport after a hectic day’s packing, just in time to check in for their flight to Cape Town where they had planned a fortnight long sixth honeymoon. As they began to relax in the queue, the ever attentive husband started to go through the check list of essentials required for their trip –
Bob Russell….Dinky Poo! Did you remember to pack my fluorescent green latex subaquatic thong?
Jackie…………..Of course I did, my Little Pimpled Butterbottom….and anyway you can get them in most disrespected sex shops in South Africa
Bob………………Oh good. Oh and did you remember to pack my Magnum P.I. Hawaiian Shirt, the one with the silhouetted palm trees set against a tropical sunset.
Jackie……….….Of course, I did….and anyway you would be able to get the same in most charity shops in South Africa.
Bob……………..Gee thanks, Dinky Poo!…Oh! yes and did you remember to pack my Dr Eric Chon’s Viagra tablets, the ones with the added ginseng extract,
Jackie……………That was the first thing I packed my underperforming swashbuckling anti -hero….and anyway there are plenty of macho leonine bartenders in the hotel that we are staying.
Bob……………….Ah! Great stuff and……..
At this point, Bob’s face turned a whiter shade of pale & it hung disconsolately like a melancholic bulldog. He continued with a nervous, tremulous quiver in his voice
Bob………….…..And did you happen to pack the piano?
Jackie (with pungent scorn)….Piano? Piano? What on earth are you talking about? Are you crazy? Did you intend playing a solo concert for the tone deaf & the aurally challenged across there?
Bob (with hesitant tone)…….….Well er.. no…but you probably wished I had because I’ve left the travel tickets on it.

….And down downs were delivered to the following misanthropes –
1)Gilbert and Yannik – for having their photogenic photographs published in the official Circle booklet.
2)Claude – for not being shy in declaring his love for his new significant other, a 12 inch uninflatable plastic doll with golden hair; the gossipmongers who cling tenaciously to the grapevine have suggested that they may have met on the set of the latest Thunderbirds movie, she apparently being an understudy to Lady Penelope & he being an interested observer pretending to be Buzz Lightyear.
3)Bob Russell – for committing the heinous crime of editing the Trash (which basically means he excised sections of narrative just so to make the cut/paste routine from word document to webpage less strenuous). Our holy father likened this literary butchery to abridging the works of classic playwright William Shakespeare or noted author Charles Dickens. What would the Merchant of Venice be like without Portia’s famous “pound of flesh and not a drop of blood” quote or indeed A Christmas Carol without the ghost of Christmas Future. We should all thank our lucky stars that Lord Russell was not a publisher during those landmark times for the written word but alternately we ought to curse our fortune that he ruminates among us like an undesirable mutant.
4)Julie & Kay – for both fully convalescing from broken wrists & maintaining the unfettered enthusiasm of making it back to the On On as soon as health permitted. Ladies, we salute your loyalty.
The Iceman Gaetan wasted no time in awarding the cowbell to that man Claude for introducing us to his latest concupiscent conquest, a somewhat malodorous downmarket Barbie (but a necrophiiliac’s dream nonetheless) which frankly is a step up on his previous efforts. But this only proves that love conquers all even in the most bizarre circumstances. Claude is clearly “old school” when it comes to everlasting romance preferring his woman to be obscene & not heard (who mentioned necrophilia?). We wish them good fortune as they embark on their blissful life of happiness together. Maybe one day we can give the startstruck couple a Hash wedding or even a Hash baptism when first born appears.
The divine Mrs Farrow suggested that the duty of Hash Flash should be rotated at each Hash (as for Hares) & she quickly showed the courage of her convictions by volunteering to be photographer next time

THE LAST WORD
In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless personal facts. This week perched attentively on the black leather hot seat, we again have a duet of guest, espoused contributors and avid hashers who err towards being the more active members of our noble clan. He is an ex-trailmaster & a master trailsetter with a keen sense of misdirection; she has been known to show symptoms of clinical diva behaviour that would even put Mariah Carey to shame. They are proud owners of an adorable infant called Noah & a temperamental thoroughbred racehorse called Gaudio who is destined to make his seasonal bow at the Champs de Mars in the coming weeks. So, all Ye faithful Hashers , kick off your shoes, take off your socks & let your feet soak in a basin of soapy hot water while you enjoy a fascinating sneak preview of what it is really like to be the glorious Glimmer Twins of PIERRE-ANDRE BOULLE & VERONIQUE ADAM-BOULLE (she just wanted a hyphenated name to compete with her husband) –
1) Who was your childhood hero?
Pierre Andre – Tom Sawyer and Tintin
Veronique – Sissi and Wonder Woman

2) What was your earliest childhood memory?
Pierre Andre – 1983-84 Ian Rush scoring 47 goals in a season. Those were the days. I remember listening to the liverpool matches with my dad on is old AM radio, the match was transmitted by BBC sport. Then the Tuesdays’ highlights on MBC on our Rentacolor One D 20″ TV and when I replayed the matches again on my 20P PC (i.e. 20 pages – Personal Copybook) with all the stats and predictions on which year Liverpool will reach its 20th league title … “Dreams can come true?” (these wayward predictions of course predated the unexpected rise to Premiership dominance of the Red Devils under the guardianship of Sir Alex Ferguson.)
Veronique – 1983 when my dad brought me at Champ de Mars to watch Noble Salute winning the first 2400m Maiden! I was so impressed by the ladies dresses and hats that I promised myself that one day … “Dreams can come true” can’t they? (The Lady does scrub up well when she is leading Gaudio to the winner enclosure)

3) What do you consider to be your greatest personal achievement?
Pierre Andre – Noah !
Veronique – Noah ! he’s kidding! it’s me who was pregnant during 9 months ! Yes, Noah of course. (to be fair to P-A, he did have to do some of the dirty work)

4) Who is your favourite actor & favourite actress?
Pierre Andre – Al Pacino ! for his performances in Scarface, the Godfather, the Devil’s advocate, Heat, and Scent of a Woman … ” Women! What can you say? Who made ’em? God must have been a fuckin’ genius. The hair… They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls… just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips… and when they touched, yours were like… that first swallow of wine… after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don’t care if they’re Greek columns… or secondhand Steinways. What’s between ’em… passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there’s only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: PXXXY. Hah! Are you listenin’ to me, son? I’m givin’ ya pearls here.” …
and Kate Beckinsale as Selene (the vampire) in Underworld wearing her gothic slaying skin tight latex outfit and also in her 1940’s bikini in Pearl Harbour… that’s my Libra’s personality! (bit of a kinky bastard I would say)
Veronique – pfff “n’importe quoi”… , for me Ashton Kutcher, Kevin Costner and Julia Roberts.

5) When was the last time you got into a fight?
P-A – this should be asked to Vero !
Vero- Ask Pierre-André !!!!!!

6) Have you ever smoked dope or taken drugs?
P-A – No, mum always told me that Coca-Cola was not good … for me. But I Know she has made an excessive and heavy use of this brew ! (An essential part of anybody’s calorie-uncontrolled diabetes diet)
Vero – apple flavoured Lebanese arguileh … is it dope??? (if you start seeing crimson fairies wearing kiwi- flavoured cowboy boots floating in front of your corneas & reciting Omar Khayamm’s The Rubaiyat in a male tenor’s voice, then it probably is).

7) Name 2 people that you would like to have a conversation with (& why)?
P-A: Jules Verne and Commandant Cousteau … “L’Aventure avec un grand A” (A man with boyhood hero fantasies)
Vero: Hmmm… I’ve already met David BecKham , ”don’t be jealous girls” … may be Shakira to dance the Waka Waka with her …
P-A “me too would like to waka with Shakira!” (and so say all of us….and just to clarify that would be the horizontal waka-waka, no doubt)

8) When was the last time you went to church?
V&P, it was for the wedding of a friend… …

9) Who is your favourite musician/s?
P-A : it all started with Guns N Roses, then U2, Nirvana, and today I’ll go for Muse and Coldplay. But Prokokiev, Debussy and Katchachurian … c’est pas mal aussi. (Grunge Animal & Classical Prima Donna all rolled into one paradoxical musicophile)
Vero : all the good love songs, “oui Monsieur! Madame est une romantique!” whitney, mariah, celine, etc… (we thus know her diva influences too)

10) What would be the last thing you do if you thought the world was ending?
Why this question??? … life has to be enjoyed till the last minute, so please don’t let us know when the world is ending !!! … come back home after work, usual family dinner with Noah, watch our TV show, go to sleep … complete peace of mind … and “the rest is silence…” (and we all know that silence is golden).

Th..Th..Th..Th..That’s All Folks!

THE SCRIBE