Mauritius Hash Trash 615
19-02-2012 Beau Songes Jean, Harry and Philida BYO #615
VENUE: Beaux Songes
HARES: Jean, Harry and Philida
HASH 615 – HOT HOTTER HOTTEST
The On On was situated under the refreshingly cool shade of the longan tree on the edge of a sugar plantation just north of Beaux Songes & although the Scribe got there very early, he was not as early as the Dodoman who was pacing around the vicinity looking like the proverbial mouse on a wheel. He was also seen inspecting the undergrowth with studied botanical curiosity which lead the Scribe to believe that he may have been conducting research on his next non-award winning work of non-fiction (that hopefully does not involve an obsessive passion for extinct creatures or an unusual affliction for mathematical figurines).
It was with a measure of relief that the unconfirmed rumours of the GM’s demise were greatly exaggerated when he was spotted stooped over the back of his car fumbling around his picnic basket of edible contraband which included vegetable samosas & other exciting savouries – he could have passed as Little Red Riding Hood. In fact, on closer inspection, our GM did not bear hallmark external markings that suggested that he had been subject to a torture session at the heinous hands of zealous fundamentalists.
The trio of timeless trailsetters comprising the GM himself, his long suffering wife Philida & the undisputed “enfant terrible” of the fashionista glitterati set in the form of the unassuming Harry provided a mercilessly testing trail that snaked through the suburbs of Bambous & beyond, at one point even brushing past the back of The Scribe’s mother-in-law’s house (luckily there was no visible traces of her septuagenarian presence outwith the four walls to heckle, haunt & taunt the athletically inclined enthusiasts).
It was a suitably perfect example of a runner’s Hash & although the first Hash Halt box required a minimum of a score of people, the initial dozen were so far ahead of the main body of the pack, they decided to forge on minus the remaining eight. The trailsetters cannot be held responsible for the climatic conditions but the unforgiving searing shadeless, sunheat made it seem like a French Foreign Legion training exercise. Even the elegant Tim Cartwright could be seen breaking into a walk at certain points although he did give indication of his lunatic tendencies by competing in a 30km bicycle time trial earlier in the morning & therefore chronic fatigue was the least that he deserved under the circumstances. He even came a cropper in the last push for home by tripping over stray sugar cane equipment, crashing to the ground like he had been struck by a bullet from a keen eyed sniper’s rifle.
Notwithstanding this traumatic event, the Anglicised incarnation of cartoon hero Speedy Gonzales was back on his feet quickly enough to skip home like a graceful ballerina. Even with the sartorial assistance of a regulation tutu, Mrs Cartwright could not begin to match her partners’ Black Swan feminine elegance but she rolled back the years with a sterling performance that saw her just about keep pace with her husband. Our relatively new Hasher Brice was also prominent throughout but mysteriously managed to get himself lost towards the end, disorientation perhaps being caused by advanced case of sun blindness
Our perennial Man In Black, the venerable Ryan Leeds, repeated his chivalrous valour of the previous Hash by again not even taking time to draw breath to indulge in the noble pursuit of rescuing his family (which was augmented by mother Jacqueline who courageously shared port-a-Summer duties with Delynda).
Alas Ryan somehow managed to miss them altogether & they were back in base camp not long after he had set off on his valiant knight’s mission. As the minutes ticked by Delynda was becoming rather anxious at Ryan’s prolonged absence & just as the anxiety reached fever pitch, the silhouette of the lone soldier appeared into view, heaving a sigh of relief when he caught a glimpse of his princess (and Delynda). His hair was completely drenched in fertilizer spray & as a consequence there is more than even chance that he may transpose into a phosphorescent X-Man Ultra Hero.
The circle got off to a confusing start with the RA seemingly taking over GM duties but appearing confounded at order of ceremony – could it be that this extemporary matinee was a mere metaphor for his election to the highest office later in the year? The R.A.- cum-G.M. eventually remembered to reward the triple Hares their commendable exploits. Remarkably there were no virgins in the circle, the first timers choosing to go home beforehand because one of them was suffering from exercise-induced heat exhaustion.
The ever intuitive Scribe is able to reveal the identity of the absent virgins, namely husband & wife combo Hans Jurgen & his good lady Jeanette, inhabitants of Frankfurt, Germany, both Ex-Lufthansa employees & both good friends of Sir Brian Davies. And the luckless Jeanette was the unfortunate victim of the heat exhaustion as she wearily struggled home with the stragglers. Her better half arrived back at the On-On jumping for joy thinking that he had finally lost his wife after decades of aborted attempts. However, his joy was soon to turn to despair……..
Less remarkably, no second timers were in evidence & the GM had to endure yet another swig from the green plastic portable urinal.
The Religious & Sex Advisor, happily now relieved of domestic management duties & redelegating them to his faithful partner, narrated an interesting epistle of an umarried (& of course unknown in order protect his dignity) Hasher who approached the R.A. seeking fatherly advice.
Being a married father of two overrated underachieving children himself the holy father donned his special ecumenical frock & solemnly motioned the forlorn desperado into his private chamber –
Father Steve…….. Ah! Good evening Girish It is indeed a pleasant surprise to see you in God’s house so late in the day. I would have imagined you would have been travelling the infested festering woodlands by torchlamp seeking your communion with Mother Nature and looking to wreak untold & unholy havoc on the midnight forest dwellers.
Girish……………….Oh Father, I come to you seeking a soupcon of your sagacity & a widgeon of your wisdom on a highly personal matter that weighs heavily like an extra large millstone on my tortured mind.
Father Steve…….I see Girish, well how can I help you in your apparent hour of need.
Girish……………….Well Holy Father, it is with a great degree of disappointment that I have come to learn via twitter no less that the Lupine Gods of Destiny have chosen not to renew my membership to the Wild Weird Woodland Werewolf Society & as a result I am now relegated to mere humanoid form.
Father Steve….Well, as you know the Church tends to look down on the more secular denominations that do not have the holy trinity as fundamental to their beliefs systems & therefore I would be lying if I were to say to you that I was disappointed for you.
Girish………………I fully understand your position but I actually came here to tell you that immediately after my demotion, I experienced a significant epiphanal event that has changed my life so dramatically that I felt the overwhelming need to share this event with you in the hope that you can rescue me from my plight.
Father Steve…..Pray Girish, what exactly was this event that you talk about.
Girish………………Well I think that I may be heterosexual
Father Steve…..Oh Holy Mary, Mother of God!! Are you serious about this?
Girish………………As sure as the Tax Inspector is the lowest form of civilization
Father Steve….Go on
Girish……………..Well these past few weeks I have been experiencing the uncontrollable urge to enter into a long term relationship with the opposite sex. And when I say long term, I am referring to the prospect of marriage.
Father Steve….And by the opposite sex, you are referring to Women
Girish…………….Oh absolutely, Father, and that would be human women too!!
Father Steve…So, how can I help you?
Girish……………Well you know that I am fairly long in the tooth & if I do not get married soon, I will soon have to think about applying Henna on my hirsute surfaces to retain my carnal appeal or be condemned to an illupine bachelor’s life. You see I do not really have the time to embark on a long random search for my ideal mate and therefore I wanted some advice & tips to make the selection process less random.
Father Steve…Oh I see, well as a matter of fact, I think that I can give you the advice you need . You see, the best thing to do is to choose a girl that is exactly like your mother; I did the same & I have been enjoying rich conjugal activities with Kay for nearly 30 years; we have never had so much as an argument in that time & we are really like inseparable soul mates. I think that I love her more now than I did all these years ago despite her phobia for household duties & a slight tendency to talk like a wounded Dalek. Well go forth into the unknown and come back & tell me how you got on.
The philosophers do say that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing but young(ish) Girish took this advice with insufferable glee & launched himself into this labour of/for love like an enthusiastic infant who had just discovered Angry Birds in the iPhone Apps store.
He spent several weeks touring the length & breadth of the island to find his perfect partner & soon he was ready to meet up again with the Irreverent Reverend whom he began to perceive as a bit of a role model
Father Steve…So how did you get on, Girish. Did you find a girl that was just like your mother.
Girsh……………..Oh yes, I did. I found her lying on a cardboard mattress under a bridge just outside Cite Vallejee. You would not believe how much she looked like my mum, she was the spitting image of her. She had a single big brown almond eye in the middle of her head, had the figure of a binge eating couch potato, drank methylated spirit from the bottle, had an odour of a Patagonian goat farmer & swore like a Gdansk shipyard welder. She had the breath of stale salted fish & even had the same toothless grin when she smiled.
Father Steve….Excellent Girish, that just sounds like the ideal girl for you. And tell me did your parents like her?
Girish………….Well my mother thought she was looking in the mirror of the past but my father….well he absolutely hated her.
Father Steve…Oh that’s is a real shame. Still, I have to say the Henna does suit you.The Revered Irreverent Reverend then reverentially doled out down downs to the following miscreants –
1)Mary Cockburn – the infrequent Hashlady was summoned forward because she was wearing new shoes possibly fresh out of the box
2a)The Scribe – for successfully completing 56 years on earth & for successfully completing the Chamarel 8K Trail race as winner in the Veteran’s category (both events occurring on the same day). The cynical grapevine has spread the rumour that he may have been the only one in his category that actually entered the race. But a winner is a winner, right?
2b)Claudie for being an Aquarian birthday girl in recent days
3)Ryan & Belinda – a proxy award for the second week running on behalf of the ever delightful Summer, who committed the unconscious sin of wearing new trekker shoes to the Hash. You would have thought that the parents would have communicated the Hash rules to her by now. Daddy showed admirable paternal influence by giving Summer a sip of beer; first born screwed up her face in distaste but still found the courage to give a few handclaps of appreciation (the perfect unforgettable Hash moment).
4)Gregory & Jean Marie – for the ill judgment of being avid supporters of Arsenal Football Club & having to suffer the annual humiliation of being knocked out of all competitions before Easter. Mathematically speaking, they are still in contention for the Premiershiip & the UEFA Champions League but unchecked optimism is not necessarily a positive attribute.
Perry did the decent deed by bringing the cowbell & had contemplated giving the campanological device to Mary for her legs although he did not elaborate on what aspect of these limbs deserved the award (but anyway Perry should be keeping his eyes above the neckline). But he decided to give the chimes to Iceman Gaetan possibly for his legs also although I don’t think that any Hash member has actually seen them in full glowing technicolour (and we hope that it remains this way)
THE LAST WORD
In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless personal facts. This week reclining casually in the interview sofa we have a duality of guest contributors, a espoused twin set comprising the more athletic members of the group, They are active participants in a wide range of sports in Mauritius including the less popular activity of free diving, he being able to hold his breath under water for an asphyxiating 6 minutes plus & she for a less asphyxiating but equally impressive 3 minutes plus. She is a highly acclaimed sports therapist with two handfuls of magic fingers that can relieve the most excrutiating muscular discomfort & he is a qualified dive instructor who is also mastermind and master of the “sporting almanac” website www.activ.mu. So, Ladies, Gentlemen & Neuters, grab yourself a beer, put your feet up & let yourself be escorted into the bizarre, menacing shadowlands that can only belong to the deadly dynamic duo, Tim & Marie Cartwright
- Who was your childhood hero?
Marie….I grew up reading Marvel comics (amongst other things) & had dreams of being a superhero myself otherwise Carl Lewis – top class athlete
Tim…….. Ian ‘Guy the Gorilla’ Botham - What was your earliest childhood memory?
Marie….My dad smoking while holding me in his arms (did she really recognise it was him behind the plumes). And making mayhem with my cousins at big family dinners.
Tim…….. Who are you, my psychologist? No seriously I can’t remember. Do people really remember or do they remember people talking about it? (As an untrained psychotherapist - What do you consider to be your greatest personal achievement?
Marie….Being able to say that I have physically & emotionally experienced close to everything in life before the age of 33. (even being held captive in a basement Turkish jail blindfold for 4 months & only having water & biscuits as a daily intake)
Tim……. Passing my Morse Code test (oh yes!) (with a dash of elan & a dot of confidence) - Who is your favourite actor &/or actress
Marie….Anthony Hopkins & Kate Winslet
Tim……. Rudy Borgstaller and Jenna Jameson, it’s a shame they’ve never appeared together though. (Yes, I too have no idea who they are but Rudy Borgstaller just sounds like a porn star’s name) - When was the last time you got into a fight?
Marie…Last time I burned the dinner after having put so much effort into it; I smashed plates & went for a run to calm down. It was a one woman show though. (The Scribe suspects that she went for a run & forgot that the oven was on). I believe it was in 2008 during an olive picking vacation just outside Valencia. Fancying myself as a bit of an arborist, I was in the middle of sawing off an old branch when I was set upon by a huge black spider. After the resulting scuffle I was left on the ground bleeding while the assailant legged it. The scars, both physical and mental, are there to this day. A word to the wise: Never attempt to swat a spider off your arm (or any other part of your anatomy) with a sharpened saw, even in self-defense. - Have you ever smoked dope or taken drugs?
Marie….Very few of us haven’t I suspect. I would rather eat dope than smoke it though. Goes nicely in bolognese sauce & chocolate brownies.
Tim……..If you don’t try you don’t know. - Name 2 people that you would like to have a conversation with (& why)
Marie….Jesus, so that he can give me some tips on how on earth he became a great politician – eating, drinking & having women for free and still having followers 2,000 years on.
Tim……. One of the great explorers, like Marco Polo or Columbus, to ask how it felt to be truly setting off into the unknown. Me, myself and I. Anyone. Please. - When was the last time you went to church?
Marie….Not sure, probably some time in 2008 for something to do with a family event (your marriage maybe?)
Tim…… April 2011, friends’ wedding, though I did have a pint beforehand. Does that count? EDIT Marie was there too by the way but from looking at her answers it obviously didn’t count for her. (maybe it was forgettable experience for her). - Who is your favorite musician/s?
Marie….Ray Charles – but it goes far beyond that from unrivalled blues master Muddy Waters from the crystal voiced country angel Emmylou Harris
Tim……..Anyone playing decent live music down the pub. Gilmour. (is that David Gilmour ex Pink Floydist or a pub band with the same name) - What would be the last thing you do if you thought the world was ending?
Marie….Eat as much British/Welsh roast lamb as possible & all variety of cakes (no doubt with weed as a main ingredient) and maybe sample all possible drugs under the sun to know what it feels like with no fear or time to become addicted. Basically, just be an incurable epicurean to the death of my breath.
Tim……. It rather depends on whether everyone else also thought that the world was ending (see answers 2 and 5) – perhaps it might be time to leave the compound… Or if the asteroid really was about to strike then I’d like to go for a walk somewhere quiet, the Lakes perhaps, but I bet it would be packed with bloody tourists. I guess I’d have to choose somewhere that no one wanted to be for their final moments. Coventry perhaps.
That’s All Folks!
THE SCRIBE
| The Hash Mish-Management Team | |
|---|---|
| Office | The 2011/ 2012 team |
| Supreme Being: | Jean Ramiah |
| Hare Line + Trailmasters: | Ryan Leeds |
| Cellarmaster: | Gilbert |
| Hash Horn: | Giresh |
| Religious and Sex Advisor: | Steve |
| Ice Maiden: | Gaetan (For the moment) |
| Ha$h Ca$h: | Claudia Deputy: Jean-Paul |
| Drinks for Wimps ‘n Kids: | Also Gilbert |
| Hash Market: | Juliette Deputy: Marinette |
| Edit Hare: | John Deputy: Kay |
