Mauritius Hash Trash 617

18-03-2012 St Patrick’s Run, Trou Aux Biches Mary & Mark BYO #617

VENUE: PAMPLEMOUSSES FOREST

HARES: Girish

HASH 617 – ST. PATRICK’S DAY

The merry ramblers convened at the wooded part of Trou Aux Biches beach (try saying that when under the influence of excess alcohol) where the giraffe-like dense trees offered welcome shelter from the tropical heatwave. Harbouring the dark paranoid thoughts of a conspiracy theorist, The Scribe sought solace that On-On was also under the shadow of the Police Station as he vividly suspected that the Cybermaster may have organized a hostile welcoming party for your author on account of the barbed tirade that appeared in the last edition of your bi-weekly e-zine. And although the Scribe kept a furtive watch over his shoulders, there were no gangs of unruly hooded youths with baseball bats ready to indulge in a healthy bout of criminal grievous bodily harm. But, to be fair to the diffident Lord Russell he still greeted the Scribe with his trademark affable casual smile with no hint of venom in his salutation; he is probably too dignified to drag himself down to the Scribe’s undersea level of witlessness & cheap sarcasm..
Mirielle looked as though she had her occasions mixed up by turning up in her Easter Bonnet although it has to be said that she looked cute notwithstanding this fashion faux pas. Otherwise, the mass of assorted green that congealed itself at the On-On looked like a giant deposit of undesirable nasal mucus. Despite her eagerness to follow in the footsteps of Lord Snowdon, Kay made a last minute appeal for a volunteer to assume Hash Flash duties for the day; apparently, she had forgotten to charge the battery in her camera & the replacement had some sort of malfunction ((I think).
Our eminent Guest Hares on this claustrophic morning were the effervescent Mary Cockburn with her partner-in-crime, more than 50% of the events organizing duet (by body mass index at any rate), the mighty Mark. The former was a Virgin Hare doubtless seeking the professional attentions from the latter to break her in gently to the delicate art of trailsetting. Their brief description of the trail alluded to a surprise en route which had the revelers licking their lips in supra-eager anticipation. And a masterful job the duo did too starting with the walkers & runner trails setting off in opposite directions to each other, the more adroit members of the troupe being taken along a long stretch of sandy coastline before winding their way through the nooks and crannies of the village. As the happy band of revelers ploughed their way through the sands in front of the luxurious Trou Aux Biches hotel, the front runners thought they had spotted the aforementioned surprise in the form of a topless (female) sunbather who had adopted a somewhat feline posture, thong-covered trunk pointing skywards & head pointing downwards as if in some tantalizing tantric mantra position. We half expected to see Sting marauding about in his eco-friendly polyester posing pouch strumming “Every Breath You Take” on his G string. The high point of the escapade was a brief whistle stop at Mary’s house (an even bigger surprise) for a brief bout of whistle wetting; the lady of the manor produced a colourful array of alcoholic & alcohol-free drinks from the bowels of her refrigerator. As an aside, the Scribe did notice that the only evidence of edible food therein was a saucer of emaciated anemic pizza slices displaying the unmistakable aura of melancholic cuisine.
The new thoroughbred on the block Tim Cartwright underlined his dominance with a virtuoso display of majestic front running that was in a different class to the stragglers & strugglers in pursuit. However, as the Scribe & impressive newcomer Gustave emerged into the home stretch in cold pursuit, they were perturbed to find no trace of Tim’s lynxian presence ahead. Their quizzical concern did not prevent the duo from sprinting to the On-On with fleet of foot although they quickly re-traced their steps to search for their missing comrade. When the Scribe informed Mrs. Cartwright of her husband’s seeming disappearance, she underlined her ultimate faith in her husband’s navigational attributes by inferring that he would be adult enough to ask any bystander the way to Trou Aux Biches police station (which probably is a fair point). Nevertheless, the 2 heroes soldiered on with their quest and when they encountered Hare(y) Mary, she promptly informed them that Tim must have invariably followed the flour that took a left turn off the home stretch…. and so the intrepid trio duly followed in Tim’s footsteps to find the missing Hasher very much unmissing at the On-On in relaxed mode and blissfully unaware of the brouhaha that preceded him.
The GM dished out a felicitational & celebrational down-down to the Hares for an excellent trail that was unanimously acclaimed. And Mary has now earned her spurs as a go-to Hare.
There was an epidemic of first timers that overcompensated for the barrenness of the previous Hash, these being –
1)Aurelie, Emily, daughters of Ruby, the gene-friendly trio being invited by Gaetan who may even be a live candidate to replace Claude as the Hash “Galant”.
2)Ruth -a history teacher from Trou Aux Biches and the mother of spoilt canine Jack the Dog, who was munching from a plastic feeding tray that had a liquid bottle attached. We may see him wearing Stella McCartney designer dog garments if he decides to make it to another Hash.
3)Phillipa – nursing accessory , midwife and first aid expert.
4)Mariam – an architect who was spotted gleefully heckling the Hashers with random words of bilious encouragement not too far from Mary’s home.
5)Roger – architect & well known to Mariam
6)Stacy & Leo – cordially invited by her parents (Adrianne & the multi-untalented poor man’s Jacques Brel, Howard)
7)Gustave – a South African who oozed the menacing glow of an established athlete by wearing his Comrades Marathon T-shirt; he has completed this ultimate test of stamina on 12 occasions, which effectively brands him as a glutton for punishment. He is in the last week of his 2 month assignment here & claimed that he would definitely never be coming back; “Never say Never” as they say
8)Monique – a French lady invited by the divine Kay Farrow
9)Caroline – the Scribe illegibly scrawled the word “engaged” against her name without elaborating whether it was in something or to someone
10)Francois – from Belgium
11)Kimberley – again the Scribe scrawled a solitary word, namely “Grandparent” but his unsatisfactory powers of recollection not being able to expand accordingly.

Second timers came in the evergreen form of Dan & Edna the couple held responsible for bringing Kay into this mortal coil & to whom Steve is eternally grateful (he probably said as much in his wedding speech & probably with his tongue firmly in his cheek).

The Sexual Religious Advisor decided to enter into the spirit of St.Patrick’s Day by narrating the tale of Paddy McGinty, an elderly Irish farmer who had received a letter from the Department of Works & Pensions in County Sligo stating that they were sending an inspector to investigate claims of his employees not being paid the statutory minimum wage. On the appointed day, a brash & aloof gentleman by the name of Mr. Mullins visited the farmer
Mullins….Mr. McGinty, I would like more information on the staff you employ in this agricultural establishment.
McGinty…Of course I would be happy to oblige, Mr.Mullins. Well first off there’s Liam O’ Brien, the tractor driver, I pay him 260 Euros for a 40 hour week, he does not work a minute over that & he gets to take the tractor home every night.
Mullins…..Very good. And who else have you got on your books.
McGinty…Then there’s the farmhand, Seamus O’Reilly. I pay him 240 Euros per week, plus overtime and he also has a tied cottage.
Mullins…..Mmm! That looks fair to me.
McGinty…And I have the housekeeper Mary O’Toole. She gets a 190 Euros a week along with free board & lodgings.
Mullins.….Yes I see……..anybody else?
McGinty….And there’s also the half wit. He works 16 hours a day, does 90% of the work around the farm, earns about 25 Euro a week along with an occasional bottle of Jameson’s whiskey and, as a special treat, sometimes gets to sleep with my wife.
Mullins…..But that is outrageous, I want to interview the poor chap immediately
McGinty….Well you’re talking to him already.

The R.A. then took the radical & foolish step of inviting all Non-Guiness drinkers to perform an unchoreographed Irish Jig in the circle & the flailing human carnage that took to the stage curiously resembled an epileptic version of Raindance. It is expected that Broadway will have to wait just a megafew moments longer.
….And down downs were delivered to the following miscreants –
1)The Scribe, Mary & Marie – a triumphant triumvirate whose photos were published in the newspaper on account of their athletic exploits.
2)Miriam – who apparently ran 400 metres before passing out due to heat exhaustion. She had not recovered sufficiently to drink her punishment but the gallant Roger was on hand to happily oblige by proxy.

The cowbell was conspicuous by its absence & it is presumed that Claude was too preoccupied in the consummation of relationship with his latest plastic best female Barbie friend forever. Maybe we shall see them in the near future dressed in his & hers surf clothing.

THE LAST WORD
In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless personal facts. The Scribe did call upon the services of ex-Hash Flash Rey & his buddy, Marie Andre to contribute to this expose but somehow the mail request may have dissolved into cyberspace (or perhaps completely ignored). So with no time to engage an interesting replacement, the Scribe dragged his wife from her bed-based non-yoga supine position, threw her into the uneasy spotlight of the black leather chair and as he removed her fingernails with his pliers the Interrogation began –

1) Who was your childhood hero?
I was enthralled by Spiderman as a child (the cartoon series). I was transfixed by his superhero deeds & at the same time it cured me of my arachnophobia. If only someone had invented cockroach man (or woman) then I may have been spared my pathological fear of the crunchy vermin. And I really enjoyed the intrepid adventures of Tin Tin – Johnny, my adorable husband (artistic license) bought me the complete hard back series of the collector’s edition as a Christmas gift.
2) What was your earliest childhood memory?
I must have been about three years old & I remember my grandmother being cross with me for peeing behind the sofa (I assume she had already been potty trained). Needless to say, after the old trout thrashed me with several lashes of her rotan bazar I never forgot the co-ordinates to the toilet.
3) What do you consider to be your greatest personal achievement?
Being able to be independent from my family when I was young & breaking the mould of expectation.
4) Who is your favourite actor & favourite actress?
Angelina Jolie – an under-rated versatile character actress who has excelled in more than a few memorable roles, particularly in her portrayal of Gia (from the eponymous film made in 1999), a bio of a doomed supermodel.
Tom Cruise – forever the Top Gun
However, I do like David Lynch’s hallucinogenic mystery-thriller directorial style & count Blue Velvet as one of my favourite films. I am also a voracious animated TV series addict that spans the centuries from early Mickey Mouse to Top Cat to The Simpsons but also enjoying digital animated films (e,g Ratatouille, Toy Story & Finding Nemo)
5) When was the last time you got into a fight?
Ladies shouldn’t fight….except with their husbands especially if they answer by the name of Johnny
6) Have you ever smoked dope or taken drugs?
Never had any inclination to try the stuff but I have seen friends become hopelessly tyrannized by its captive power.
7) Name 2 people that you would like to have a conversation with (& why)?
God – to explain saintliness & the mystery of life
Lucifer – to explain how evil works & the mystery of death
8) When was the last time you went to church?
Four years ago when I went looking for salvation from the indelible & the inevitable. We just know where to look & who to confide in.
9) Who is your favourite musician/s?
Adnan Sami – who looks more like a classic torch songster now that he has shed that revolting elephantine burden.
Nusrat Fata Ali Kahn – I am partial to a bit of the old Sufi devotional music.
Michael Bolton – great voice, ridiculous hair.
10) What would be the last thing you do if you thought the world was ending?
Wear all my favourite clothes, colours & trinkets. You don’t know who you’re going to meet across the great divide so you might as well be prepared by looking your best.

Th..Th..Th..Th..That’s All Folks!

THE SCRIBE