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Mauritius Hash Trash 608

06-11-2011 Return of the Devil’s Pierre-Andre BYO 608

HARES: Pierre-André and Ryan

VENUE: Point Diable

DANCING WITH THE DEVIL (Will Always Lead You Into Trouble)

Not sure about the rest of the hash troupe but it was with a mixture of trepidation & excitement that the Scribe navigated the highways & byways to the sheer satanic splendour of devil’s point.
The last time that our twin trailsetters (the faded metallic Goth rocker Ryan Leeds & the antl-hirsute defollicled stick insect, Pierre Andre) took co-ownership of the bimensual flour laying ritual was (as if it could possibly be erased from memory) back in the temperate month of June at Chamonix when they took sadistic pleasure in mapping out a marathon uphill walk back to the On-On at Emerald Heights (which did not court favour with the more delicate members of the Hash although the Scribe, being devoid of the merest shrapnel of sanity, derived immense pleasure from inhaling his masochism fix).

At the On-On, it was noted that Ryan was looking a shade ashen-faced and (amid sniggers of disbelief) with a meek, nervous quiver in his voice, he proceeded to recount his near death experience of being savagely assaulted by a cute white fluffy tailed rabbit.
He duly added that this incident poisoned him with paroxysms of unholy fear, in the process making medical history by being the first humanoid to suffer from the medical condition of cuniculophobia (from cuniculus the Latin word for rabbit).
In future & as a matter of prudence, it would indeed be in Ryan’s best interests that that the fair Delinda (hope the spelling is right), the bedrock of his relationship, accompany him on further hare adventures in the wilderness to act as his personal private protectress; we could not possibly again face the unendearing sight of the Venerable Mr. Leeds doing his best insanguine Transylvanian chic with his face completely drained of blood supply.

As expected, it was a devil of a course which at one time looked as though it was only going to track along the side of the mountain until suddenly we were invited to scale the foreboding footpath right to the historical viewpoint at the very pinnacle where we were regaled with a breathtaking 360 degree view of the dramatic Mauritian panorama.

Promptly summoned the virgins to summarily announce themselves to the band of brothers (& sisters)

  1. Gilbert – a young pre-pubescent Virgin
  2. Elrise – who was either invited by her Aunt or else she was someone’s Aunt
  3. Karen & Trevor – on holiday in Mauritius & guests of Steve & Kay
  4. Linda – from the Holy City of Beau Bassin & was dragged along by Laurent
  5. Jean Marie & Elliette – the parents of Nadine
  6. Celine – the sister of Nadine & by logical extension, the daughter of Jean Marie & Elliette

Our second timers were duly indoctrinated into the Hash brother/sisterhood by way of the customary liquid reward, the identities being –

  1. Richard & Lucy – the former being the first born of the R.A. & Kay, the latter being the special squeeze of first born.
  2. An unknown (at least to the Scribe) sleek looking elder statesman who owned a cap adorned in red polka dots, the traditional Tour de France symbol for the King of the Mountains (nothing escapes the keen eye of the Scribe)

Our ecumenical anti-hero, the Reverend Steve Farrow, looking a tad distinguished in his fetching straw Panama, took to the stage and freely admitted that a small enclave of perhaps more feminist lady Hashers had complained directly to him that his mirthful narratives were becoming formulaically sexist.
As the epitome of a theological thespian, he duly listened to his disenfranchised flock & duly vowed to change the tone of his parables.
With renewed vigour, he recounted the tale of an absent Hash member who nasally inhaled generous quantities of Blue Marlin through a plastic straw at the previous event at Parc Aux Cerfs. He became so overdosed on the liquid sherbet that his long suffering wife had no alternative but to drive him home.
In a fit of pique, she dumped the inebriate beside an opened can of paint stripper in the garage where he slept the night on an uninviting cold concrete floor.
Naturally, he woke up the next morning in an advanced state of chemical disorientation and with the sound of a particularly aggressive timpani section wildly thrashing a remix version of Dvorak’s New World symphony in his befuddled head. Stumbling to the phone, he rang his boss to say that he was very sick & that he could not make it in to work. The boss complained that this was a disaster as one departmental member was on leave while another co-worker’s grandparent had passed away again (the 12th time according to HR’s employee file). But the Hasher insisted that he was too ill to come to work.
The boss, renowned for his dogged persistence, then suggested a remedy that he felt would be of interest to the Hasher & proclaimed that any time he felt sick he would approach his wife & demand sexual intercourse. He claimed that he normally experienced a pleasant post-coital euphoria that would cure his sickness & that he was then able to come to work in a refreshed mood.
Two hours later, the Hasher rang back & commended the boss on his suggestion, saying that he felt fit enough to come to work…at the same time, he also commended his boss for having such a beautiful, dutiful wife. Naughty irreverent reverend!

The R.A. was presented with a trophy from the trailsetting twosome in the form of a piece of rock allegedly plucked from the summit of Devil’s Point. The reason for this act of generosity remains a mystery as curious as the Loch Ness Monster. Nevertheless, the R.A then held his very own prize giving ceremony & somehow managed to get his hands on (probably illegally) four shells, which were awarded to – 1)MATTHIEU – for outdoing his father by scaling the devil’s staircase singlehandedly. 2)SUMMER – for being the youngest Hasher to reach the top and she was held aloft by her proud father much in the same vein that The King of Poop, Michael Jackson, suspended his child over that hotel balcony. It should be noted in dispatches that Delinda performed the Herculean feat of carrying baby all the way. 3)JEAN MARIE & ELLIETTE – for showing immense courage as Virgins who, despite suffering from advanced fatigue, dragged themselves victoriously to devil’s point. 4)LAURENT – who, with foolishness & bravery in equal measure, climbed the stairway to hell with no shoes! Clearly several sandwiches short of a picnic.

The R.A. then administered Down downs to Saints & Sinners alike –

  1. VINCENT – for committing the sin of abandoning his partner, Yanni, to the lascivious & depraved attentions of the GM for the entire trail. The poor girl must have suffered a nervous breakdown listening to the incoherent ramblings of a has been Casanova.
  2. DIDIER The Events Master – for aptly & amply displaying his saintly feminine side by providing gourmet services to Juliette
  3. GILBERT & SYBIL – for being saint & saintess by returning to the Hash after a protracted absence although Gilbert alone consumed the reward for both parties. Looks like stag baiting season is over then.
  4. MATTHIEU – for the cardinal sin of infecting his cow bell with laryngitis so that it was unable to sound its somber toll throughout the trail.
  5. DELINDA & RYAN – for officially becoming nuptialised (presumably to each other) on the blind side although it is a matter of subjectivity on whether they would be classified as saints or sinners.

In an act of spontaneous celebration, the merry Hashers broke out merrily into The Wedding Song to honour the happy couple. Some of you may fondly (or not so fondly) remember that they have already been officially blessed with a poignant Hash marriage ceremony at Medine in latter part of 2010.

A special mention must go to Snow White, Juliette, the Patron Saint of Epicurean Diversion, for choosing to prepare a commemorative lunch for her late husband, the affable mighty man mountain that was the genial Dave Colbert.
As homage to the gentle giant codenamed “Shorty”, Leslie delivered a brief but fitting nostalgic eulogy that was followed by a minute’s silence & a hug of appreciation from the delightful Mrs. Colbert herself.
As a footnote, the Scribe would like to mention that Dave was the archetypal bon vivant with an understated charisma & a remarkably affecting sense of humour. He was without doubt the epitome of a true gentleman.

The tribute was “crowned’ by an impromptu rendition of the Hash Anthem although It was somewhat surreal watching “past-their-sell-by-date” adults performing the symbolic genital tug with the evil pleasure of mischievous pimpled third graders; the scene bore the grisly appearance of a 10th rate Royal Artillery Concert Party performance. I doubt whether The Man in Black himself, Johnny Cash, would have even considered delivering such a graphic spectacle before the boisterous Folsom Prison inmates.

Juggling isn’t hard, you just need the balls.


In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless personal facts. The latest lamb to the slaughter – one of the original daughters of the Hash & a great supporter of the cause, all the way from the industrial anonymity of the Gdansk shipyards, the Grand Mistress,

  1. Who was your childhood hero?
    Pippi Longstocking (a fictional character in series of children’s book by Swedish author, Astrid Lindgren. Pippi was a super strong superstar who wore her fiery red hair in pigtails wound so tight that they stuck out from her head. Her full name is Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Ephraim’s Daughter Longstocking (according to Wikipedia)
  2. What was your earliest childhood memory?
    When my younger sister was nearly drowned and rescued by two old ladies (The old ladies being able to prise Tusha’s foot from her sister’s head)
  3. What do you consider to be your greatest personal achievement?
    Having a loving family (ain’t that just so sweet)
  4. Who is your favourite actor & favourite actress?
    Gregory Peck & Catherine Deneuve
  5. When was the last time you got into a fight?
    In primary school (they build them tough up in Gdansk)
  6. Have you ever smoked dope or taken drugs?
    No never and not yet (it is never too late)
  7. Name 2 people that you would like to have a conversation with (& why)?
    Pope John II and my Guardian Angel (we can only speculate why)
  8. When was the last time you went to church?
    Last Sunday
  9. Who is your favourite musician/s?
    Jean Michel Jarre & Charles Aznavour
  10. What would be the last thing you do if you thought the world was ending?
    Gather the whole family together (and I suppose have a collective hug before the grim reaper smiles)


The Hash Mish-Management Team
OfficeThe 2011/ 2012 team
Supreme Being:Jean Ramiah
Hare Line + Trailmasters:Ryan Leeds
Hash Horn:Giresh
Religious and Sex Advisor:Steve
Ice Maiden:Gaetan (For the moment)
Ha$h Ca$h:Claudia
Deputy: Jean-Paul
Drinks for Wimps ‘n Kids:Also Gilbert
Hash Market:Juliette
Deputy: Marinette
Edit Hare:John
Deputy: Kay

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