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Mauritius Hash Trash 605

25-09-2011 Cascavelle Gaetan BYO #605

VENUE: Cascavelle

HARES: Gaëtan

HASH TRASH: Kay Farrow, Deputy Scribe, in the absence of the Scribe who is still roaming in the gloaming back in Bonnie Scotland.

A short trail with no shade on a very hot and sunny morning. The terrain was good for running for those who could be bothered to exert themselves in the heat. The trail skirted some sugar cane fields and followed the fence around Casela.
There were excellent views of the mountains and at about half-way the trail split with separate routes for runners and walkers. The trail was not as long as the Hare claimed but it is not unusual for a man to exaggerate the length of something.

Hash circle
Around 60 hashers assembled for the Hash circle.
Just as the proceedings were about to begin Leslie noticed a local man bearing down on the gathering carrying a bunch of vegetation so large that the man resembled a walking bush!
Being an educated Scotsman, Leslie was reminded immediately of a quotation from Macbeth but neither he nor any of the philistine Hashers could recall it.
Just in case Hashers have been losing sleep trying to remember Shakespeare’s fine words and to prove that the almost Scottish Deputy Scribe did not waste her time in English Literature lessons at school here is the aforementioned quotation:
“As I did stand my watch upon the hill,
I look’d toward Birnam, and anon, methought,
The wood began to move.”
Messenger Act V Scene V

And now back to the Hash circle……………………

Here’s to the hares!
Gaëtan was congratulated on the trail and was rewarded with a down-down. He thanked the GM for his assistance and advice.
The GM encouraged those new to the Hash to get involved in setting a trail and added that the Trailmaster, the GM or another volunteer would assist if necessary. First timers
here were so many first timers that it was like a virgins’ convention. Warren – from Beau Bassin invited by Gilbert Nick – from Beau Bassin invited by Gilbert Nicola – from Curepipe invited by Nadine Sandrine and Emily – from Flic en Flac – both had received private tuition from the GM in the past but he was very reticent about the details of the dubious lessons Gary – invited by Nadine who found the Hash “a great experience” Robbie / Dominick – a schizophrenic with 2 names depending on where in the world he is located Valerie – wife of Robbie / Dominick and their 2 children Sean and Michelle – from Ireland with their young son and baby daughter invited by Ryan

All seemed to have enjoyed the hash and some even promised to come back.

Second timers
Much to the relief of the GM who seemed to want to avoid down-downs for himself, there were 2 second timers, both ladies and both unknown to the Deputy Scribe.

There were 2 serious announcements by the RA before he commenced his fortnightly foray into the formidable field of funny fables. 1. The RA had acted as Key Lady and was still in possession of some keys. They were claimed by Didier just in the nick of time as the GM was about to impound the car for the Hash. 2. Hashers were informed that 17 bottles had gone missing at the previous Hash. They were reminded that all empty bottles should be returned to the crates. There was a suspicion that the bottles had been stolen by passers-by during the course of the last Hash and Key Ladies were advised of the need to keep an eye on the beer in future.

Religious and Sexual Advisor (RA)
The RA spent some time setting the scene for his story. It had all begun the previous week after probably the best Sunset Hash ever. The trail in Rivière Noire had been magnificent and the evening at Gio’s restaurant afterwards a triumph. There had been dancing to Kaya’s son’s band well into the night. Didier and Mark had been congratulated for organising a brilliant evening. The tired Hashers had returned home with the lyrics of one of Kaya’s songs ringing in their ears: “Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh” and all had slept soundly in their beds – except that is for the RA.

He proceeded to relate a lamentable tale of woe of how he had woken up very early on Sunday morning suffering from severe abdominal pain. Thinking that it was probably due to something he had eaten he waited for nature to take its course and eject the offending food from one end or the other. By lunchtime nothing had happened and he was still in severe pain so his dutiful wife Kay helped him into the car and drove him to the Apollo Bramwell hospital in Moka.

While Kay parked the car our poor RA was wheeled into the Accident and Emergency department brandishing his credit card between his teeth to prove that he had the means to pay. He was helped into bed and the screens pulled around him. A doctor came into the cubicle and probed and prodded the RA’s considerable stomach. He asked the nurse to obtain a urine and stool sample from our hapless RA and Kay suggested he just hand them his underpants!

A junior doctor entered the cubicle brandishing a large syringe to administer a pain killing injection to the RA’s backside. On seeing the RA’s pained expression as he pulled down his shorts the doctor said “Don’t worry it’s only a little prick.” Cut to the quick the RA complained “It might be little but it’s all I’ve got!” As the syringe pierced his buttock the RA began to sing…”Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh.”

After a series of injections, each followed by the RA singing “Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh” etc, the doctor said to Kay “I’m afraid your husband is a bit dopey.” “Well I knew that when I first brought him in but what’s wrong with him?” she replied. Concerned with what he had observed, the doctor took Kay aside, and confided “I don’t like the way your husband looks at all.” To which she promptly replied, “I don’t either, Doctor, but he’s a great gardener, a helpful handyman and he’s been a fine father to the kids!”

Diagnosed with a post-appendectomy problem our RA was forced to spend 2 days in hospital watching football on the large flat screen TV and with pretty nurses catering for his every whim – a bedpan, another bed bath or another sachet of fortifying intravenous drip fluid. He was discharged from hospital on a strict diet and for the next month he must eat only fish or chicken and then he has to skip a day. He reckons that he’ll be down to 8 stone by the time he’s finished with all the skipping. “Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh!”

RA’s down-downs

  • Gilbert was found guilty of wearing new shoes. Several of his “friends” had reported this fact to the RA – keen to see him mocked in the Hash circle. He had also sealed his own fate by bringing along the shoe shop owner and his son to testify against him. Gilbert was spared drinking from his shoe as the RA proffered a souvenir urine bottle from Apollo Bramwell hospital.
    Here’s to the sinner!
    Gilbert had a very successful shopping expedition. As well as the new shoes he also sported a new t-shirt. This was much admired as not only did it look much better than the previous old and faded Hash Hierarchy polo shirt but it also conveyed an important social message – end violence against women.
  • Due to his delicate health the RA had remained at the on-on during the Hash and had acted as Key Lady. He had witnessed the late arrival of a number of Hashers and singled out 2 for punishment as they were experienced enough Hashers to know better:
    • Harold – who was also ridiculed (again) for wearing his outrageous shorts (again)
    • a French (?) lady – she had phoned the GM to let him know that she would be late. She obviously had better things to do on a Sunday because after arriving late she left early!
    Here’s to the latecomers!
  • Bertrand – whose return to the Hash after an absence of at least a year was most welcome.
    Here’s to the returner!

GM’s down-downs
The GM thanked the RA for his attendance after such a traumatic week and went on to award him a down-down for wearing a ladies’ hat.
The RA, whose story of admittance to Apollo Bramwell had in fact been true, albeit embellished slightly, was forced to refuse the beer which he is prohibited from drinking until his course of antibiotics is finished. He polished off a tankard of water in no time at all while the GM struggled to drink even half of the pint of Phoenix handed to him by Yannick.
Here’s to the sick and the destitute!

Unable to finish the beer immediately the GM promised not to waste it and to drink it at home. He went on to announce that another Hasher with a health issue, senior Hasher Alan, was at home recovering and would hopefully be at the next Hash.

Hash hostage
Vincent waxed lyrical on the honour of receiving the cowbell and the pleasure of running with it even though it was hard to wear and very noisy. He announced that the next recipient was a lady and that she was wearing sunglasses. With all ladies wearing sunglasses in suspense he finally announced that the cow bell was awarded to – Brigitte. This lady had committed the sin of attending the Hash but had neither run nor walked. Obviously she was only there for the beer.
Here’s to the sinner!

Next Hash
Ryan the Trailmaster announced that Marie André and Jacqueline would be the hares for the next Hash which will be held at Réduit.

Here’s to the Hash! On-on……………………

The Deputy Scribe (Kay)

The Hash Mish-Management Team
OfficeThe 2011/ 2012 team
Supreme Being:Jean Ramiah
Hare Line + Trailmasters:Ryan Leeds
Hash Horn:Giresh
Religious and Sex Advisor:Steve
Ice Maiden:Gaetan (For the moment)
Ha$h Ca$h:Claudia
Deputy: Jean-Paul
Drinks for Wimps ‘n Kids:Also Gilbert
Hash Market:Juliette
Deputy: Marinette
Edit Hare:John
Deputy: Kay

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