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Mauritius Hash Trash 613

22-01-2012 Near L’Escalier Alan, Leslie and Marie Claude BYO #613

VENUE: L’Escallier

HARES: Alan, Leslie and Marie Claude

THREE STEPS TO HEAVEN IN THE YEAR OF THE DRAGON

We awoke to another spectacular dawn that signaled the last day of the Chinese calendar year & the eve of the Year of the Dragon. But before we could feverishly exclaim the famous words “Enter the Dragon” whilst admiring oneself in the mirror tenaciously holding a disciplined Kung Fu pose wearing only a reinforced genital protector that faintly resembles a Sumo wrestler’s mawashi, we had to attend to the important business of the second Hash adventure of the conventional new year, courtesy of the highly acclaimed trailsetting trio, King Dodo Grihault and the Bonnie & Clyde lookalikes, Leslie & Marie Claude.
In sumo parlance, they would be ranked as Yokozuna (Grandmasters), the pinnacle of the Japanese Sumo federation classification system; relative amateurs at this highly prized skill, like the Scribe, could really only hope to achieve a lower order in the primordial scale such as a komosubi or sekewake.

Nevertheless, a healthy glut of avid Hashpersons were more than willing to step up to the plate and make the long journey to the rather secluded convention point several stones throw away from the humble somnolent village of L’Escalier (but not as humble that it does not boast its own medical centre).
It may have been slightly unnerving to navigate the slightly overgrown grassy trail to the On-On but the sight that greeted us on arrival could only be described as an idyllic niche that kissed the tempestuous coastline & probably was, to all intents & purposes, a best kept secret outside of the local community.
The breathtaking view was worth the entrance fee alone with the wild, menacing waves battering the cliffs & rocks that define the South Coast’s archetypal, rugged coastline. If we are lucky maybe the Garden of Eden will be adorned with similar panaromic phenomena.

And the trail proved as flawless as we would have expected from our ace trailsetters twisting through small tracks, in silent forests & across trickling fjords, culminating in a special treat over the rocks that fringed the coastline where the elastic-limbed Dodocop displayed the elan of a salivating baboon in the desperate quest for banana shaped foodstuffs.
The abundance of checkpoints & 2 Hash Halts kept the pack together whilst the walkers trail ensured that we did not have to wait long for the backmarkers to clock in.

We did have the improbably rare sight of the divine Mrs Farrow volunteering as key lady (Kay the Key Lady – could not resist the alliteration) on account of her fractured wrist. Indeed as bad luck would have it, we did have an unfortunate casualty as Vincent’s daughter, Julie, emulated Kay by breaking her own wrist after a heavy fall on a steep descent. Kay must surely be the owner of some real unpleasant karma that is manifesting itself in the form of a curse.
Mrs Farrow, in act of redemption, did her best Florence Nightingale by giving her tourniquet to the victim to protect & support her arm. Perhaps we should replace the cowbell with the tourniquet…..

Our three heroes were rightly acknowledged by the GM for a superbly worked trail & were each awarded the customary prize of a mightily deserved down down. The following roll call of first timers were then volunteered to introduce themselves to the assembled mass of the circle –

Tanusha – who works in the same commercial block as the Dodocop but not in the same office. Allegedly, Dodocop visits her regularly at her work station which either makes him underemployed in his present vocation or overlooked as an apprentice stalker.
It must be written in these pages that Tanusha ran the entire course in the sweltering heat wearing a sturdy pair of jeans as running bottoms. To emphasise her courageously Spartan performance, she displayed an enviable steely determination by keeping up with the front runners for most of the way. We look forward to her joining the elite ranks of the front running bastards in the weeks to come
Kumal – the brother of Tanusha & who was not as energetic as her athletically inclined sibling since he elected to walk the course no doubt under the pretence of acting as bodyguard to his father (see below0
Ashok – the father of Tanusha & Kumal
Brice – a resident at the Davies bed & breakfast establishment & working on contract in an IT capacity at an undisclosed location somewhere in Ebene. He too put up a spirited performance by putting his best foot forward & was a permanent feature at the head of the peloton. He even displayed his multi-tasking prowess by sparing the time to take photographs at various points along the route.

For a second week in succession second timers were not available for public humiliation & although our GM tried manfully (and unsuccessfully) to deceive Hari into taking the forfeit by proxy, he had to revisit the septic plastic urination vessel to complete his labour of lovelessness.

The Religious & Sex Advisor deviated slightly from his customary sermon by offering his attentive lambs his priceless wisdom in the form of an autobiographical cryptic allegory for the price of a few minutes reverence & deference.
The pious one reminded everyone although alcoholic drink in its myriad guises could not conceivably be considered to be the choice beverages of the Gods, even the most devout religious practitioner has been known to be tempted by the captive spell of the demon drink. He further elaborated that excess alcohol intake is becoming more & more of a problem around the world no less so in Mauritius. He freely admitted that the previous weekend, he went to a public house in Port Louis with friends & was so swept aside by the conviviality of the occasion that he had copious measures of liquid sherbets.
He quickly realized that he was over the legal limit for driving & decided that he should set an example by doing what everyone should do in such hazardous circumstance….and that was to take the bus home. He happily reported that he arrived home unscathed which was a veritable surprise to him as he had never driven a bus before & had no idea how he managed to get a hold of it in the first place. The revered Reverend then dished out down down to saints & sinners –

Gaetan – for becoming a Granddaddy & thereby himself realizing that his adolescent charm has faded into obscurity. However, if he could drink as fast as he talks he would have swallowed his beer in a brace of milliseconds instead of drinking like a….well Grandfather
The Scribe – for molesting the GM’s wife in full view of the public, the R.A. rightly branding him a groper (at least the Scribe is something which is better than being nothing)
Bob & Jackie – for refusing to answer the infantile questions for the Last Word feature in the Hash Trash. The Cyberbastard welcomed the punishment, asked for (& received) a large measure of beer & proceeded to empty the contents of the tankard in a manner that suggested he was having a leisurely drink at his local watering hole (probably the same one that the R.A. visited last week).
Veronique & Claudie – the twin trailblazers who excelled themselves at the previous weeks 5 km at Flic en Flac & in the process finished well ahead of the R.A. who was not nimble enough to trip them up.

The Scribe must digress slightly (so what’s new) to mention our R.A.’s supreme devotion to the duty of adding spice & intrigue to his marriage with the divine Mrs Farrow while she has been nursing her wounded limb. She herself has admitted that her husband deserves to be included in the Queen’s New Years Honours list for his contribution to domestic management in a transparent hands- on capacity.
He has been faithfully following her colour by numbers instructions to clean the house & she no longer needs to remind him to fill the steam iron with water for a more rewarding ironing experience. He even showed his versatility by serving up a three course meal served with a fine Bordeaux vintage.
It has been claimed in various publications that men who do more housework get the incentive of more sexual favours from their spouses but it seems that a broken wrist has done the trick for Mrs Farrow. The Scribe would like to proudly proclaim that The R.A. is legend of unimaginable magnitude…or a complete buffoon (it is obviously no coincidence that he supports Hull City).
Mrs Farrow is looking forward to her wrist healing so that she can return to cross country competition in the hope of fracturing the other wrist. I just hope that the R.A. gets a reprieve on the 1st February.

Edwige elected not to walk the course this week in favour of performing child husbandry duties to her effulgent grandchild with the result that the cowbell remained in silent mode the whole morning. She however was not slow in awarding this fine piece of burnished metal to Perry on account of him harassing Grandma although she appeared diffident in elaborating on this vague statement. (The quiet ones are always the worst).

THE PEAK OF PERFECTION

You may recall an extremely affable Aberdonian gentleman by the name of Gary Morrison, a devout ultra marathonist & ultra masochist, visited Mauritius in June with his better half Vicky, perhaps more sensibly a non ultra-marathonist -you may also recall that he was brandishing a strikingly colourful Action Hero tattoo on his right thigh.
They joined us for the infamous Hell’s Kitchen Hash at Chamouny that culminated in a brutal 2/3 kilometre uphill slog to base camp & that would probably have been a relaxed warm up session for our kid. During the circle he announced that he was going to compete in a 330 kilometre “Tor De Geants” ultra marathon event in Italy thereby giving clear indications of his ultra psychotic nature.
Gary has since reported that he failed to meet a timed barrier a mere 15 km from the finish of the event & therefore was unable to complete the course. He added that his body just shut down due to ultra fatigue brought by not taking in calorific reinforcement for 19 hours (maybe Vicky did not pack enough peanut butter & banana sandwiches in his Superman backpack).
Although bitterly disappointed by his performance, he decided not to be discouraged & further decided to declare himself a starter for an inaugural event called the Spine Race, no less than a 430 kilometre non-stop 6 day winter ultra marathon race along the entire Pennine Way (general regarded as the backbone of England, hence the name).
Gary showed that he had learned from his aborted Italian job by coming home FIRST in a time of 152 hours thereby setting an official record for a winter Pennine Way run. He surely must rank as a most fitting embodiment of the absolute glory of absolute madness.
He did report that feet have taken on the appearance of a couple of raw hamburgers although he was quick to acknowledge that his triumph could not have been achieved without the unquivering support of his long suffering wife (ain’t he just a sweetie….or maybe 6a cowardly sycophant).
I am sure that I speak on behalf of all Hashers in congratulating Gary on his titanic achievement – and wish many more success in his sadomasochistic events in the future. You can check out garyandvic.blogspot for a blow by blow account of his efforts or thespinerace.com for further reading.

THE LAST WORD In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless personal facts. It is with regret that, for a second edition running, the Scribe has to mention that the chosen victim, events organizer Mark has chosen not to participate in this super-intellectual challenge despite my salvo of mail reminders threatening him an subaquatic adventure in a cement duffel coat if he failed to deliver. The Scribe suspects that he has left the country by now.

So, The Scribe did a svelte cerebral pirouette & quickly commandeered a most erudite replacement guest to sit in the inquisition armchair to muse over these teasing questions. It is with some pride that I introduce to you this week an interviewee who has been a dedicated member to the Hash since her very first breath. This cherubic & effervescent innocent is (probably) the youngest ever Hasher in recorded (or even unrecorded) history & the perfect candidate to do a one woman double act as the official Hash talisperson & mascot; so ladies & gentlemen let’s get a little bit of SUMMER into our lives.

Who is your childhood hero?
Do animated characters count? Then it is my role models, The Powerpuff Girls. They are the enduring bastions of girl power. I aspire to join their legions when I have graduated from University with my MA in Superhumanology
What was your earliest childhood memory?
I vividly recall floating inside dark & sinister catacombs for about 9 months with only a flimsy pinkish coloured regulator as a means of breathing support. All I could hear was the indecipherable muffled lullabies of Chilean Pan Pipe music that would often soothe me to sleep . And then one day without as much as shake of the shoulder as warning, I felt an almighty contraction as if the universe had imploded into the vortex & in a flurry of agonising screams, an overpowering light dazzled & blinded me in an instant.
What do you consider to be your greatest achievement?
Every day I have my greatest achievement, like just yesterday I learnt that by pressing a power button I can turn off my dad’s PC when he is not looking! But even a greater achievement, how I can get people to be totally powerless to my charms, and all I have to do I look cute (which I naturally do all the time!) and as you know with great power, comes world domination – be afraid be very afraid!
What do you think of tattoos?
Both my mom & dad have tattoo’s and they are uber-awesome, but I think I’ll wait until I join the Hell’s Angels before I think of putting anything on my beautiful soft skin – probably on my 7th birthday.
Who is/are your favourite actor & actress?
Again do animated characters count? And I think they do, so I would pick Dora the Explorer. I think that the interplay between her & Swiper The Fox has a dark, tense & brooding effect primarily due to the subtle, pastel characterisation of the two rivals. The storylines are extremely complex with an array of deft sub-plots that fully captivate the viewer’s attention. It is my life’s ambition to go on a cinematic adventure with Dora & Boots.
Have you ever smoked dope or taken drugs?
No, drugs are bad, and I’m a good girl. Though with teething I have had to resort to Panadol and it makes everything better.
Name 2 people that you would like to have a conversation with (& why)?
1)Dr. Stephen Hawking to discuss & to develop in greater detail the theory that the black hole is fully described by the three properties of mass, angular momentum & electrical charge. 2)Dora The Explorer to talk about her magical adventures especially the one where she helps the Unicorn rerun home at the end of the rainbow
What is your favourite food?
Milk from the eternal fountains that are my mommy’s mammories, it’s so delicious and refreshing…and all that fortified calcium is extra good for my enamels. Plus my dad always looks on with foreboding jealousy while I’m enjoying a snack!!!
Who is your favorite musician/s?
I am a unflinching devotee of Antonin Dvorak , having a pituary kinship to his Bohemian Romantic classicist phrasing that runs through the veins of his compositions.
I find it fascinating that his major works are influenced by traditional Czech folk music & my particular favourite from this particular cultural stylisation is the popular Slavonic Dances.
Naturally, it is difficult to covet Dvorak without coveting Symphony No.9 in E minor,( the New World Symphony). Did you know that Neil Armstrong took a recording of the New World Symphony to the moon during the legendary Apollo 11 moon landing mission in 1969. Sometimes, I think that in a former life I may have been a nomadic Romany Gypsy.
Incidentally, I consider Daddy’s musical taste to be the definitive cliché of trademark primal instinct that borders on psychotic nihilism. But I still love the old badger, though.
What would be the last thing you do if you thought the world was ending?
Hope that Bruce Willis (if a meteor is hurtling towards earth) or Will Smith (if it’s an alien invasion) are close by to whisk me to safety. If that fails than I would probably go back into the solace & comfort of the Catacombs.

THE SCRIBE

The Hash Mish-Management Team
Office	The 2011/ 2012 team
Supreme Being:	Jean Ramiah
Hare Line + Trailmasters:	Ryan Leeds
Cellarmaster:	Gilbert
Hash Horn:	Giresh
Religious and Sex Advisor:	Steve
Ice Maiden:	Gaetan (For the moment)
Ha$h Ca$h:	Claudia Deputy: Jean-Paul
Drinks for Wimps ‘n Kids:	Also Gilbert
Hash Market:	Juliette Deputy: Marinette
Edit Hare:	John Deputy: Kay