Mauritius Hash Trash 614
05-02-2012 Mare Longue J & B BYO 614
VENUE: Mare Longue
HARES: J & B
A BESIDE ARID BASINS
The On On was situated at the far end of an evaporating reservoir, the hard-baked clay casting up images of drought ravaged regions of Africa where refugee camps & starving livestock find their home.
The GM was mysteriously absent from attendance, creating speculation that he had prematurely abdicated his throne or worse still, he was the victim of a velvet revolution to remove him from office.
While we await confirmation of his fate (hopefully not one similar to Gadaffi), we had to endure the wild authoritarian cackle of his deputy, the eminent historian & grotesque matinee figurine, Alan to welcome the assembled multitude to the venue. The Scribe could imagine, in his professorial days with the British Council, his cacophonous voice striking dread & terror into each of his students while he gleefully administered six of the best with his cat o’ nine tails.
The guest hares, the Cyberfreak Russell family, provided a superbly fascinating trail that wound its way through the brooding charm of Maccabee forest, in some places fringing the edge of Black River Gorge.
In fact, the second Hash Halt boasted a breathtaking view over the gorge right across to the surreal aquamarine horizon somewhere in the distance, a sight that did not escape the photographic attentions of our second timer Brice.
And although there were precious few checkpoints, the trail was no less enjoyable particularly for the enthusiastic athletes within the ranks. There was however a cunningly placed back check to halt the front runners in their tracks & who then had to retrace their steps to the walkers trail.
The lone figure of Tim Cartwright could be seen bounding effortlessly in the distance like a pouchless marsupial in the outback, his green T-shirt almost acting as camouflage among the verdant foliage.
The desolate figure of the Scribe struggled vainly in pursuit but really only resembled an arthritic coypu in comparison.
It was also noticed that the remaining three quarters of the Cartwright couplet, Marie Carol was content to lope along in a slightly forward tilted position, the classic pose of an ex-400 metre champion & of a Kenyan middle distance Olympian. To the untrained eye, it looked as though she could have been guilty of gross underperformance as she seemed to look too fresh for her own good at the finish. Only she can know if she could have done better.
When the Man In Black, the venerable Ryan Leeds, arrived back at the On On he did not even take time to draw breath or draw a refreshment from the cooler before he went foraging back into forest to rescue his Delynda who showed the mettle of metal by carrying baby Summer along the entire trail. Formidable feat, madam.
We were also treated to the, frankly nauseating, sight of our Hash Cash, Jean Paul parading unbashfully in his zebra striped underpants thereby almost fooling witnesses (who shall remain nameless) that they had encroached upon a solo gay pride demonstration. Jean Claude did plead that his exhibitionism was totally unconscious & not intended in any way to appeal to the prurient interest of the Lady Hashers.
I would imagine that those unlucky enough to have been witnesses would also have preferred to have been unconscious to this brazen striptease act. Perhaps Jean Paul could be nominated to be the official Hash pole dancer.
The diligent Russells were given a highly merited down down for their efforts with Jackie performing an impromptu celebratory wiggle in the manner of a redundant belly dancer. She also impressively demolished her liquor like a real man her partner resorting to sipping his beer gingerly like a quintessential effeminate mole. We know who wears the trousers at home. The Temporary GM invited the following first timers to introduce themselves to the circle –
- Ian – all the way from the Republic of South Africa, he has been working for the British Council in Mauritius for 18 months on a teaching assignment but has only now decided to join this family of miscreants. During a pre circle chat, the temporary GM (himself an ex-doyen of the British Council,) in paroxysms of pathological salivation, enthusiastically subjected the virgin to a synopsis of his dedication towards his services to international education. The Scribe rather fears that Ian may not have the appetite to bless us with a second appearance
- Corrine – invited by Alain Hubert
- Frederick – a youngster from Quatre Bornes & who also possessed a most interesting running gait that looked like his legs were actually made of some sort of carbonised spring material – almost like the South African blade runner, Oscar Pastorius.
- Dominique – who said that she was frightened at the thought of doing the Hash but happy that she completed the course.
Brice, father & daughter alliance Ashok & Tanusha were officially anointed into the personhood with liquid nutrition but Tanusha politely refused a beer as she claimed that she does not indulge in alcohol (well at least not in front of her father)
The Religious & Sex Advisor,
looking remarkably fresh from a fortnight of extreme household management duties, gave us an interesting homily emphasizing the pace of scientific development in modern telecommunications. He noted that a report in UK’s broadsheet, the Daily Telegraph, stated that scientists from Oxford University, after digging to a depth of 10 feet around the Stonehenge Heritage site, found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years & came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a prototype version of a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
In the weeks that followed, Le Monde reported that French archaeologists digging near Notre Dame Cathedral discovered traces of 130 year old copper wire & deduced that their ancestors had an advanced communications system 30 years earlier than the UK.
One week later Joseph Christian Perrine, a root vegetable planter from Brisee Verdiere, dug to a depth of 15 feet in his allotment & did not find anything at all. In a prepared statement to Le Mauricien, Mr. Perrine said that he concluded that 150 years ago Mauritius had already gone wireless!
The Revered Reverend then doled out down downs as follows –
- The Temporary GM – enthroning him as the King of Shortcutters as it seems that he persistently commits this transgression at each Hash (except when he is trailsetter of course). To add insult to injury, he was chastised for wearing an England polo shirt on account of their Six Nations triumph over the Scots the previous day.
- Tim Catchpole – for the sin of being a returnee. He also made the shock confession that he had sinned on a previous Hash by saving the Scribe from diving into a whirlpool of mud. He admitted that he really ought to have done the decent thing by helping the Scribe on his way down & by putting his size 10 hiking boot firmly on his head for a minimum period of 5 minutes. I also believe that the Temporary GM applauded Tim for having a “proper” British Council accent (I suppose he meant that there were no traces of unvarnished Devonian vernacular).
- Ryan & Belinda – a proxy award on behalf of the adorable cherub, Summer, who was standing in the circle for the first time in her very young life.
THE LAST WORD
In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless personal facts. This week, our guest contributor has been an avid Hasher in Mauritius for many years, was originally a “member” in the early 90’s & was part of the infamous brat pack that included the Scribe & various maladjusted unidentifiable urchins . He left Mauritius in 1997 to terrorize a swathe of emerging African nations with best practice operational risk management skills that he carried out with the incisive deftness of that legendary masked marauder, Zorro.
It is the Scribe’s pleasure to unmask that marauding hero & would like you to introduce you to his very good friend, the Right Honourable Sir Brian Davies,
- Who was your childhood hero? Sir Bobby Charlton, gentleman footballer who could teach todays crop of infantile subhumanoids (Yes, you Suarez, Balotelli & Tevez) how to play the beautiful game with pride & honour. And he is still contributing to the game today.
- What was your earliest childhood memory? Playing football in the street with my thick woollen sweater tucked into my regulation khakis. We used to use Heinz Baked Bean cans (most of the time they were empty) as goalposts & regularly used to come home scratched, battered & bruised without any fuss from my parents.
- What do you consider to be your greatest personal achievement? Throwing caution to the wind & stepping out of my comfort zone by moving to Africa… and being able to terrorise a swathe of emerging nations with cutting edge financial risk management strategies that made me feel like a trapeze artist performing his routine without a safety net. And no, I didn’t wear tights while doing so (although my crepuscular diversions are another matter).
- Who are your favorite actor & favorite actress? George Clooney + Meryl Streep. Thought the former was excellent in O Brother Where Art Thou & Syriana. And the latter’s thespian versatility is rubber stamped by being the most nominated actress in Oscar history. I simply must see her portrayal of Maggie Thatcher in The Iron Lady for which I fully expect she will carry away this year’s Oscar for Best Actress.
- When was the last time you got into a fight? Never, although I did have the temptation of dissolving a vial of plutonium into my one of my neighbours Milo when I found out that he was illegally borrowing electricity from my line. It would have been nice to see him glow in the dark like a blob of ectoplasm.
- Have you ever smoked dope or taken drugs? No but, by my humble reckoning, life itself is one big hallucinogenic to me.
- Name 2 people that you would like to have a conversation with (& why)? Nelson Mandela to discuss his conciliatory political approach as leader of post- apartheid South Africa. And Dame Vera Lynn to ask her if she actually did see bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover.
- When was the last time you went to church? 10 days ago just to make sure that my pact is still intact.
- Who is your favorite musician/s? Guitar master, Mark Knopfler. I remember being mesmerised by his distinctive picking style when I first heard Dire Straits’ Sultans Of Swing on the John Peel Show in 1978/1979, well before they became MTV friendly in the 80’s. He has worked with many eminent musicians during his stellar career but his album duet with the Queen of Country, Emmylou Harris, is an outstanding piece of work & a particular favourite of mine..
- What would be the last thing you do if you thought the world was ending? Relax with a Chardonnay, ring friends (providing that there is communication is still available during chemical meltdown of Armageddon) & watch the sky turn a hollow hue of lilac as we gradually disappear into the nothingness of eternity.
That’s All Folks!
|The Hash Mish-Management Team
|The 2011/ 2012 team
|Hare Line + Trailmasters:
|Religious and Sex Advisor:
|Gaetan (For the moment)
|Drinks for Wimps ‘n Kids: