Bookmark and Share!

Mauritius Hash Trash 603

28-08-2011 La Marie (Bigara) Mark & Didier BYO #603

VENUE: La Marie, near Bigara

HARES: Mark and Didier


The trail was carved out with meticulous precision, admirable skill & an almost sinful creativity by the deadly dynamic duo in the form of Didier & Mark who can both be undeniably & justifiably proud of their meistereffort.
The course could have almost been likened on an artistic level as the Hash version of Van Gogh’s Red Vineyard at Arles, being wondrously & delightfully alluring on many levels – it was in equal measures a Ramble In The Bramble, a Rumble In The Jungle, a Foray In the Forest, A Perambulation in the Plantations &, last but not least, a Wade in the Water.
Hashing does not get much better than this & we can all take inspiration from such a rewarding experience but NOT by asking them to become default trailsetters.
And they can be forgiven for turning up late at the On-On on account of their impromptu male bonding session far from the naked eye; but it must be said that from a distance, in his dark sunglasses, Mark did spookily look like a member of the Neapolitan branch of the Cosa Nostra (Waste Management Division). We had a repeat performance of 2 weeks back when one of our ambulating Hashers, Patrice, took an unscheduled detour leaving his nameless wife in state of neurotic uneasiness, her neurosis being multiplied multifold when the rogue traveller chose to reappear at Ground Zero in one piece, thereby dashing her hopes of having the freedom to elope with a matinee idol toy boy. Ah well there is always next time….

Our GM had to be back on his best behaviour with the return of his beloved partner-in-crime from her European sortie where she apparently greeted each dawn with a champagne breakfast. Our taciturn leader completely abandoned his charisma & demurely welcomed a mini-platoon of Hash Virgins (a couple even claiming to be the endangered born again variety) who stood in a rather unmilitary & disorganized line.
The roll call was:-

  1. David – a well known, feted member of the Mauritian community & decorated Captain of Industry & Commerce (and by that I do not mean that he wears fairy lights & tinsel to work).
    He brought along with him his delightful wife Francoise & two members of their progeny;
    Rebecca (an ace tennis player by all accounts) & the last-born,
    David Junior (uncertain if the young buck possesses any redeeming abilities).
  2. Anne – who has been a friend of Kay Farrow for several generations; they both worked together in German hotels in their halcyon days although they were not willing to reveal their misadventures & mal-escapades despite incessant prompting & impolite cross examination by the irritating Scribe. However, I think Kay did once eat the leftovers of Leonard Cohen’s breakfast – for the uninitiated the latter is a cult singer/songwriter & renowned introspective miserabilist poet whose salad days are now tinged with acidic dressing.
  3. A K9 called Kaluka with handler Jane – this was the first time ever that the Scribe has ever witnessed the dog owner dragging the dog for a run
  4. Roman
  5. Juliette
  6. Gregory – who displayed athletic talents by accompanying the Scribe throughout the run very much in the vein of a Siamese twin.
  7. Pascaline – who is a friend of Claudine, has lived in Mauritius for 20 years & has never before joined our happy band of revelers on a Sunday – she just did not know what joviality she had been missing.

We hope to see them come back for another generous dose of unsolicited pain & pleasant suffering. Our Improbable Irreverent Reverend Steve Farrow, fresh from his comfort eating excesses in the UK, is officially the New Primate On the Block (I should clarify that this title refers to his ecclesiastical status rather than to his similarity to a malodorous Rhesus Monkey with a bi-polar disorder, although the Scribe finds it a challenge to determine his rank in the evolutionary scale).
He delivered a cautionary tale about 3 expat friends (one married to a French lady, one to a British girl & another to a Mauritian woman) who all manfully attempted to order their wives to perform various domestic duties, the worst off being the pitiful vermin who was severely assaulted by his Mauritian wife & who ended up doing his own laundry AND re-employing the domestic servants at a higher salary (the punchline, if you excuse the pun, did have a familiar ring to it).
Undry punishments were then deservedly meted out to a colourless array of victims as follows:-

  1. Patrice for walking aimlessly & losing himself in the wilderness.
  2. Brian for delaying everyone’s departure on the previous Hash at FUEL because his trusted mechanical steed refused to start.
  3. Kaluka for performing unsavoury, excremental anti-canine practices along the trail. However, Jane has to be applauded for putting the pooper scooper into action & bravely concealing the sphincter discharge in her back pack. Anyone for Nutella?
  4. The Venerable Ryan Leeds for his new tattoo of a majestic silver lark etched on one of his calves (the Scribe thought it rather resembled a silhouetted, disfigured falcon but truth to be told ornithology, either on an amateur or professional basis, is not one of his strong points)
  5. The Scribe who was recently spotted at a social gathering being serially dominated by the venomous virago commonly known as the voodoo dragon wife. Apparently she habitually ordered him to fetch her food & drink &, of course, the subjugated Scribe knew no better than to indulge her miscellany of whims like a faithful pet gnome-servant.

Hangmen are renowned for giving excellent service as they always keep their customers in the loop.

In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless facts about his personality. Today’s interviewee – none other than THE DISTINGUISHED MULTI-TALENTED ARISTOCRATIC DOYEN OF STAGE & SCREEN, LORD ALAN GRIHAULT –

  1. Who was your boyhood hero? Hopalong Cassidy on the Saturday morning cinema; no TV in those days ! (It is a bleak day for the romantic fantasies of the pre-pubescent when an afflicted fictional character is regaled as a hero; at least he did not select Benito Mussolini….
  2. What was your earliest childhood memory? Sleeping at night in the air-raid shelters – German bombing (Ah! those were the days of miracle & wonder)
  3. When was the last time you broke the law? Twice speeding to Hash in June – Fine Rs 4000. (How could he possibly see the need for speed when he normally arrives at the On On well before anyone else!!)
  4. When was the last time you lost your temper? Every morning when I watch human beings bomb and shoot each other. (I hear that Medecins Sans Frontier are recruiting….)
  5. When was the last time you got into a fight? 2004 – when the shit publisher in Port Louis had published my first Dodo book; not so much a fight as me aiming a punch & missing and him going to the police. (Hope he never uses the word “s**t” in his MCA broadcasts; can you imagine the viewer reaction when he waxes lyrically into “Now children when you go to the toilet for a number two, the process is called a s**t (pause as the word appears on the screen)….now repeat after me children “S**t”. Now, the digestive process starts in the stomach where the masticated food is mixed with enzymes, travels through the small & large intestines and is then released from the rectum in the form of “S**t”.
    Now children, as you can see, I am here at my home sitting on my toilet ……..” )
  6. Have you ever smoked dope or taken drugs? Never…honestly! (Impossible to believe otherwise)
  7. Name 2 people that you would like to have a conversation with (& why)?
  8. Who are your favorite musician/s? Buddy Holly…Eddie Cochran…The Beatles.
  9. Who is the best football player of all time? Sir Stanley Matthews and anyone BUT Wayne Rooney. (apparently every footballer on the entire planet….& perhaps beyond our orbit & in other galaxies….that has ever played the glorious game is the best footballer of all time, that is all except Wayne Rooney. Bloody Hell, I wish I had asked who is the worst footballer ever, it would have been far less painful & far more intelligible
  10. What would be the last thing you do if you thought the world was ending? Try to save myself and family. (It would appear that the DodoManiac belives that he has the attributes of indestructibility & invincibility as he seems to have definite plans of surviving armageddon whilst all other mere mortal life forms perish. We must ask him to share the secret of immortality; maybe tissue regeneration is part of his cunning strategy or perhaps he is building a new planet in his back garden from the remains of his discarded prototype abacuses/abaci).


The Hash Mish-Management Team
OfficeThe 2011/ 2012 team
Supreme Being:Jean Ramiah
Hare Line + Trailmasters:Ryan Leeds
Hash Horn:Giresh
Religious and Sex Advisor:Steve
Ice Maiden:Gaetan (For the moment)
Ha$h Ca$h:Thierry (when in Mauritius)
(Deputy: Henriette)
Drinks for Wimps ‘n Kids:Harold
Hash Market:Juliette
Edit Hare:John the Goat

Leave a comment